I understand we are all human (Well at least the ones of us who can read, and who don’t normally get eaten by each other) I also understand that there are situations in which the majority of us (unless you are a “freelance” whatever or a “work-from-home” whatever or a trust fund baby) have to coexist in a workplace of some kind. The workplace is an interesting…what shall we call it… microcosm of human interaction which usually defies instinctual behavior. Of course there are exceptions to this rule (Oh, to have the courage to stand on my desk and pull a NORMA RAE by writing on a piece of shoddy cardboard how I really feel, but alas to date it has still not come to pass) but for the most part, the utter amount of HAPPY HORSESHIT we coworkers who actually have boundaries and self restraint have to suffer gladly from those who I don’t know…don’t…is truly getting out of hand. I’m not going to try and defend who is who and which kinds of people I am talking about…YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Instead I’ve compiled a small list of what I truly feel are reasonable requests. I’m writing them here and not placing them in my “JUST ASK!” anonymous comments email to HR for obvious reasons. Well, obvious to me and by the end of my list, if you are like me at work, it will be obvious to you too. These requests do not seem insanely out of the question. And I’ve re-read them. I was going to go in order…but let’s be honest, there’s no order to madness, there is no orginization to insanity, or undefinable jabberwacky so here is the list in no real order.
1. PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME WHILE IN THE BATHROOM- When I was 5 years old my father took me to my very first professional sports game. Strangely enough, not only was it my first time watching a live sporting event, but it was also the first (and to date only) time I’ve ever been what looked like a bath house. Don’t worry, my Dad isn’t some kind of freak. The sporting event was a football game and we were in a professional sports arena. The restroom however consisted of stalls for number 2 and what can only be described as a trough in the center of the room for number 1. Since number 1 was my number of necessity on this fateful trip, my father insisted I stand side by side with about 300 stranger cocks as their owners hooted, hollered, vomited, and sword flighted and I attempted to urinate with my pants around my legs…sufficed to say the stream was not steady. Long story short, I DO NOT LIKE RELIEVING MYSELF IN PUBLIC. The slightest sound outside of what one may expect to hear in a restroom causes a complete shutdown of anything that could potentially go right as I stand at the urinal (or worse) behind the quasi privacy of a stall. I have learned to be stealth in my potty breaks at work…survey the room, make sure it’s not rush hour in there, make a B line and with blinders on do the deed. So Co Workers, I beg of you, if you see me at a urinal or worse, coming out of a stall I BEG OF YOU…don’t ask me “How’s It Going?” and if you do and I say ”fine” in a low voice PLEASE don’t take that as an opportunity to tell me how I sound “all quiet” and ask me ”where’s that funny guy we all love?” PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I just want to get out of there. I don’t want to have to make small talk with a coworker who I DO NOT care for in the first place and whose HOLDING THEIR reproductive organ. Can we not have two minutes in any capacity while clocked in that we don’t feel the incessant need to make small talk?? Which reminds me…
2. ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK- I for one am not a nosy Parker. However, I know it’s inevitable. I know there are going to be moments wherein small talk is the only appropriate defense. A few examples:
- When walking in from the parking lot EXACTLY at the same time, at the same pace, and going to the same area.
- While waiting in line for the coffee in the morning or while heating up breakfast, lunch, or dinner in the break room.
- Waiting for a meeting to begin and waiting for other meeting attendees.
- At a company team building function while we wait for the leader of said function and anticipating how lame said function will be.
As a caviat, brainstorming is not small talk, working on the same project is not small talk, and regular activites as it relates to work functions are not small talk. But walking up behind some one’s desk/cube and asking me “What website is that?” or “What game are you playing?” or “What blog are you reading?” or “Is that YouTube you are looking at?” and using that as the beginning of small talk is ENTIRELY unacceptable. Another inexcusable use of small talk is using the ubiquitous “how are you” as you walk by my desk after you say it first as an OPEN INVITATION to eat your entire pop tart at my feet and tell me about the INANE bullshit that happened to you in the 10 hours it’s been since I saw you last. Listen to me, therapy is an amazing thing. And if you are lucky enough to work at a company who understands its value and includes it in your health care package like my company does, USE IT! I go to therapy and it’s changed my life. I now know when to answer the question “How Are You?” IN THERAPY…not at 9:05am when I haven’t even had the chance to play my first hand of solitaire you MASOCHIST!
3. PLEASE DON’T COME TO MY SHOW- I’m the first to admit I’m a bit of a mess. That’s why I go to the aforementioned therapy. One of the main reasons I am such a mess is that at any given moment, I have MUCHO balls in the air. I write plays, I direct them, sometimes I act in them blah blah blah. Since this is part of my life, I do have a tendency to bring it up when the small talk epidemic rears it’s ugly head. When someone asks “what’s new” and I have something new, I may mention it in passing, especially because in my line of work there are other creative types like me doing the kinds of things I do outside of the office. Here’s what’s fascinating to me. When these people…yes THESE SAME PEOPLE ask me again and again and again and AGAIN about my extra curricular activities because they feel I need to be validated by them asking me AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN where and when and how do they get tickets and what’s the parking like and when will it get out because they want to make plans after because they are out anyway and they never get to come out and this would be a perfect excuse to go out and…THEN the weekend happens and they don’t come and see me the next week and decide it’s really important to give me the LAUNDRY LIST of excuses as to why they didn’t make it when I didn’t ask in the first place….okay, breathe, smile, excuse yourself and DON’T COME TO MY F’ING SHOW!!!!!
4. PERSONAL SPACE, PEOPLE- I am finding more and more that the personal space line is constantly being crossed in a way that would make Seniors at their High School Prom blush. I have been fun punched, spat upon, stepped on, breathed on, belched on, and spanked more than I care to admit. About a year ago I was forced to leave my AMAZING office at the end of a dark and cold corridor where no one could ever find me to the middle of a fish bowl under about 6000 florescent lights and seated at a dreaded CUBICLE. I am in the middle row of this office only appropriate for sweat shops and the IRS. The middle row gets the most traffic and it doesn’t matter if my computer is swiveled all the way towards me, it doesn’t matter if there is a privacy screen, it doesn’t matter if my face looks about as welcoming as a Gitmo resident, every time ANYONE walks down the middle row, I get an inquisitive glance, question about what I’m doing, or an actual STOP AND STARE. I know I’ve been working out and I’ve recently gotten a little sun, but SWEET JESUS, KEEP WALKING, THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE! On another note, if you are one of those f’ing weirdos who can’t tell when spittle is forming on the sides of your lip, or you have more bats in the cave than the goddman Carlsbad Caverns, or your lazy eye just keeps getting lazier, I’m going to call it out. Especially if you feel the need to stand so close I feel like I should close my eyes and tilt my head while listening to old school Peter Gabriel.
5. QUIT BEING SUCH AN A**HOLE- I understand that we are all different people. I understand that we are all not going to see eye to eye. However, there is a line between quirky behavior, having an off day, or miscommunication and BEING A COMPLETE ASSHOLE. I can match wits with pretty much anyone, but I’m at the end of my tether with those people I am paid to be with in my life who are utterly miserable, who lack any professional courtesy, who say things to other coworkers that are COMPLETELY FALSE and who seem to have it out for me so they undermind me at every turn. I say this with as much vigor as I can muster at 4:10PM on a Thursday. GO F YOURSELF. If I’ve been promoted over you or if I have a better rapport with my boss than you do, or you believe your career has been sabotaged by the likes of me, I’m here to tell you I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I owe you people nothing. I work very hard at my job. And I have news for you whining D BAGS…Your job is more than what you do for a living. Creating an atmosphere of tolerance in the big boy school that is the workplace is part of our jobs. If my boss likes me better, perhaps its because I’m NOT A DRAG. I find myself at least tolerable to be around. I don’t talk all day, if I don’t have something to say, I don’t say anything and if I do have something to say and it’s more valuable than the INANE drivel coming out of your whine hole learn to ADD SOMETHING to a conversation, project, or focus group. And if I do something for you, if I help you, if I cover for you, if I get you through to a deadline (which I often do because that’s what you do so people won’t assume you are a total ASSHOLE) SAY THANK YOU!!!
There are so many more…and I am still kind of shaking with annoyance and irritation, but I’m over 1500 words and I think…I’ve made my point.
xxSPR
